cyclic ebullitions syndrome (new world langauge of grunts and moans)

a eulogy of sorts.



it appears.
a myriad of choice.
look at the colors and forms and movement!
all illusion.



a scream/echo/thespitofaspider:

"Formless
A dictionary begins when it no longer gives the meaning of words, but their tasks. Thus formless is not only an adjective having a given meaning, but a term that serves to bring things down in the world, generally requiring that each thing have its form. What it designates has no rights in any sense and gets itself squashed everywhere, like a spider or an earthworm. In fact, for academic men to be happy, the universe would have to take shape. All of philosophy has no other goal: it is a matter of giving a frock coat to what is, a mathematical frock coat. On the other hand, affirming that the universe resembles nothing and is only formless amounts to saying that the universe is something like a spider or spit.”bataille, visions of excess.

when
it is over.
i will be looking back and i will know it couldn't have gone differently.

i am stating the obvious.

the fact remains, it never happened.
nobody was there to record it.
or the language got lost along the way.
(the only thing left is this ringing in my ear).


the american mantra (this ringing in my ear):

i wish everything could be like it was.

when did it get like this?

she isn't here anymore.

and i miss her dearly.

he isn't here anymore.

and i miss him dearly.

soon, neither will i be.

they don't make it like they used to.

my mother used to say.

my father used to say.

i wish he was still here.

i wish she was still here.

soon, neither will i be.

i have always been a burden.
i have regrets.
things seem to have happened.
i haven't felt what it is to lose everything.

i try to remember. some things.
i haven't forgotten you.
i will forget everything.
i am sure.

when (in terms relative to the reader) did the fall occur?

and when
did it end.
was it a moment or a year?
a city or a shout?
a promise or an insurrection?
a piece or the enormity?

are you still dealing with it like i am.

 what didn't you see

 when everything changed.

if only i had.
turned left,
turned right.
if only i hadn't left.
if only i had left.

i am clearly still dealing with it.

it is both active and inactive. 
it is more than projection.
it is less than hope.

i am unprepared.  there is no preparation.

my mother comes into my old bedroom and tells me she misses her dearly.
my father and i don't really talk anymore.
he treats her poorly.
he is doing what he can.

i wish everything.
i wish everything.

did it change or is it just decay.

i won't be remembered, and that's okay.

it couldn't have gone differently.

i can feel myself separating from the whole.

and then i remember. there never was a whole to begin with.

i had one last thing to say.